I think alot about the things that I have learned even when I am not doing the studying I should be doing. I find myself applying what I know more and more in my everyday life, wondering what to do next, who should I talk to, why am I not finding a job, what can I do to open my store. I have a man whom I love, how do I know if he will feel the same about me. How can I help my children make better decisions then I did at their ages. How can I help my mom to live a happy full life now at the end of her years. These are all things that I think about constantly in my day to day life.
I am not afraid of death and growing old any longer. I do not exactly embrace it but feeling that I have a grasp of where I am going most definitely helps. They tell me that when you are good in your life, your next if you so choose will be better. My next life is going to be amazing. I have fought so hard for a good life and have spent it in constant struggle. I try to stay a peace with it, think that my time is coming. I am a good person, do for others without expectations for myself. But I am so tired. I do not want a lot, am not asking for the world. I would like to have love, someone to spend my days with and I would like to be able to do it in peace. To do what I want to do, to travel, to work to pay my way, and to enjoy what I do. I became a teacher, what I had always wanted to do. Now I can't do this as I cannot find a job. I have my store, my own business. Something my ex talked about doing but never did. i did it and it is going reasonably well considering. My teaching tell me that what goes out comes back three fold and that my time is coming. Friends have done readings for me and they all say that my time is coming, easier times are in my future but that they road there is difficult and there will be struggle. Gee, not sure if I can handle struggle. Because that has never been part of my life.
Over the past three years, there has been a someone in my life who I fell for though I should not have. I got to spend a year sharing a wall with him, listening to him work with his students, listen to music on the smart board, doing his work. We talked, got to know each other, and learned a little about each other. Now, his situation, that I knew was going to change though I tried hard to forget it, has changed and I am not sure how I fit in now. I know how I feel, not real sure about how he feels, and know that he is in no way close to feeling like me as he is coming out of a long marriage. What do I do with this? I am not sure, controlling myself, letting him lead though that is difficult. Trying not to touch to much (learned and probably should have known that he is not used to this). And... here I am writing about him in my blog... I just gave him the link to this yesterday. stupid me. If he reads this? Well, I guess I will be embarrassed, lol... Well, he knows how I feel I think so it's probably nothing new.
And now I sit here, 12:32 in the morning thinking why am I here. I should be in bed. A friend gave me a job cleaning for him so that I can maybe get my unemployment. They are still fighting me on it but going to try anyway. Such a sweetheart, says he will pay me since they are still denying me. So tomorrow I will finish unpacking his apartment and get it cleaned up. Fun stuff... Anyway, headed to bed. Enjoy. Promise will have some actually Druidry stuff to write about next time.
