Thinking

Ok, so I keep moving forward, my eyes always on what i really want, what truly makes me happy, even though it seems I have so little time for it right now. What makes me happy? With my druid training and just life, I think about this a lot these days. What do I want with my life. Where do I want to be in a year, five years, ten years? 


Well, it's really quite simple. I want to have my store and know it's doing well. I do not want to be rich or anything, I just want to know that I am self sufficient and not have to go to bed each night wondering how the bills will get paid next month, whether I will be able to make rent, etc. 

I want to be on my own property, or at least property that i will own as soon as I finish paying the bank for it. With my little hobbit house. A place where I can grow my gardens, hold my rituals, solitary, or with others if I so desire. I have met some really great people these past few months and would love a place where I could invite them over for a BBQ or a party, a ritual like the one we are going to at a friend house next weekend for Beltane. It won't be fancy but it will be mine, a place where I can do what I want, be me, without listening to the neighbors party through the wall or the vacuum cleaner at midnight up stairs. A place where I can come home from my store and be peaceful and happy. A place where my kids can visit, my family can visit, and it will be mine... Like I said once I pay the bank for it.... But still mine. 

I would love to have someone... Someone who knows when to hug me when I'm having a bad day. Someone to say he loves me without wanting something. Someone who is there when I need him. Will i get married again?d Oh no! Did that twice, done with that. But I also don't want to be alone. 

I have worked hard my whole life. I raised my two beautiful kids and they have turned out quite well if I do say so myself. They are fabulous wonderful people. I went to school and worked hard to become a teacher, turning out at a bad time to be a teacher. I am currently working on my second master's degree. All in an attempt to just make it... To be self sufficient. To be able to support myself. My credit is bad, in fact I had to file bankruptcy last year. I have no money, I sub, no real job because no one will hire me - I am either over qualified or I require to much money. I deserve a little bit of ease in my life. 43 years, to me, seems like it should be long enough living this way. 

I try hard to give this all over to the Goddess. May days I succeed quite well, others not so much. I have learned from life that if you don't work hard, you get no where. I have also learned in life that often no matter how hard you work, you still get no where. 

Goddess... My Morrigan, please, if you would, tell me when is my turn. What do I need to do to get where I need to be. I want to help people. I want to give people like me a place, a safe place to learn, study, and congregate. I want to give them a place to be free. Can you please give me a sign, tell me how to find the mystery that hides what I need to know to reach my goals in life, these simple goals. 

As Saturday night closes, I sit here in my bed, computer in my lap, thinking about where I am and where I want to be. I can see me sitting there in my shop. I can see people coming and going. Talking, smiling, being happy Friends and customers. Potlucks, festivals, ceremonies  rituals, divinations  all being held in my shop. I try to manifest what I desire, what I need to move forward with what I feel I need to do, moving forward to where I know I belong. I just need to know how to get there.